


Realisations

by Fairytalehntr



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, M/M, Mental Instability, References to Depression, Sad, Sad Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-04
Updated: 2020-12-04
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:59:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27869565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fairytalehntr/pseuds/Fairytalehntr
Summary: Ushijima Wakatoshi realises that he fucked up his whole life because of a game.
Kudos: 8





	Realisations

_"You can't play volleyball forever."_

_"Move on."_

_"Aww you're playing volleyball again? I wanted to hang out, Wakatoshi-kun!"_

_"Stop you'll overwork yourself!"_

_"Who's still at the gym this late? Ushijima-kun again?!"_

All if it was true and if only Ushijima Wakatoshi had listened—

_Learn to listen to the ones you trust, learn to listen._

If only he hadn't had his whole life set on volleyball—

make friends, listen to them that's why you make friends to fix your bad choices.

Why make them if you won't listen?!

Ushijima collapses to the floor of his apartment, gripping the part of his chest where his heart should be. _No no no, not again!_ Why now? _Why now?!_ There's a match soon he can't play like this.

_Regulate your breathing._

_Slow Breaths._

_Breath slowly._

Why should he get the freedom of release?

_Why should he get the freedom of release?_

An apology to Shirabu Kenjirou for him always being at his side but all he did was look the other way.

An apology to Oohira Reon for him always being nice to him even though he never appreciated it.

An apology to Tendou Satori for being his best friend. Nothing more needs to be said.

An apology to Semi Eita for he never got tired of setting no matter how many times he was kept up late at night.

An apology to Goshiki Tsutomu for he always looked up to him even though he was being looked down on.

An apology to the rest of the team for not walking away even when they were given the cold shoulder countless times throughout Ushijim's three years of being there!

An apology to the first years Tsukishima Kei, Kageyama Tobio, and Shouyou Hinata that were on Karasuno for they were judged by their appearance over skill.

An apology to his coach for making the poor old man worry about his health when all he had to do was end his own practise at the same as everyone else.

An apology to himself for putting the image of superiority in his head and fucking up his whole life just for the sake of volleyball and it took him years to now notice how insignificant volleyball is compared to living—

how did he not notice?!

Ushijima manages to get on his feet and sit at the edge of his bed. The stress is piling up and there is no way to escape it.

The stress is shifting inside of him.

One day it's as small as an ant trekking it's way into an anteater's mouth ready to be eaten then the next it is the predator itself.

On those days he can only lie down until his mind is good enough for the next day.

He can't get over those days.

Try lighting candles, he was told once.

But when he sees candles melt it reminds of the dying fire.

The fire of his first year who aspired to he greater than him,

memories torn to bits younger than the evening.

He is standing beside his own casket and that's when he can conclude that everything he has done up to this point in his life is going to someday die due to his ignorance.

Besides, he's not afraid of the darkness after burial, perhaps that's the bit of the problem that cannot be solved.

The problem is that you cannot leave your bed, correct?

Is what was said to him once.

He can't.

The anxiety is a monster, dragging him back into his apartment and clouding his thoughts.

Now to ask himself,

where did his anxiety come from is beyond anyone's knowledge?

His anxiety is the mother who comes to visit her son when he clearly stated he did not want to see her. She's felt obligated to start a party,

a party in his own very head that he does not want to attend.

Why can't he just attend real parties to see his old teammates and attempt to mend his relationship?!

Why not?

Sure, he'll see the plans and intend to go. He'll get ready and right at the last minute he will lay back in his bed, falling asleep in the arms of life itself.

He knows he should want to go and would've wanted to go, the next day realising he wanted to be there but it's not fun having fun when he doesn't even know the definition of the word!

Each night he falls asleep in the simple chatter of crickets outside of his window, romantically lulling him into a hellish dreamworld.

Late night walks often take up his night of sleep. He always ends up tripping once or twice because his mind is not in the right mental state to think straight.

Going past parks reminds him that he is travelling on a road beside an ocean of happiness that he is afraid to swim in.

Famous philosophers have said that happiness is a decision so then why can't Ushijima make that simple decision, why have they not explained the side-effects of loneliness?!

Nicolas once said that he is so good at making something out of the abyss of darkness then straight up asks him if his greatest fear is death—

NO.

It's a simple understanding,

life is the most fear-inducing idea in the world so why would he resort to death as a fear?!

When he left his house for good he learned how to turn the cluelessness into knowledge, the knowledge into strength, and the strength into lazing around all day wondering why no one asks him how he is doing.

So when he says that he is lifting weights that is a definite indicator that he is truly dying inside on his couch listening to a lame murder documentary.

It's to avoid that empty bed, the loneliness of that bed he is always dragged back into by the end of the day until no one remembers him.

He will never truly know everywhere he has been in his mind.

Still, he cannot understand this feeling.

No one can.

Lonely is a murder.


End file.
